A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude.
Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece. Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money. Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is. Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world. August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December. Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery. Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at AM. Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison.
Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications (i.e. The first ’test version’ of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. Altar Ego: Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered. Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash. Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits. Barnstorming: Brainstorm for pullet-zer prize winners. Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.
Ah: (Southern) The thing you see with, denoting individuality. Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding. When a bride continues to get wedding gifts after the divorce; 15. That which enables a woman who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried; 17. Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world. Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Anatomy: Something that everybody has, but it looks much better on a girl. Arahnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Animal Rights: A loopy, well-intentioned activist movement that, in its extreme form, harbors more compassion for a captive circus elephant than for the hapless trainer on whose face it sits. Anthologist: A lazy fellow who like to spend a quiet evening at home “raiding a good book.” Antibody: 1. Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend. An object that has made a round trip to the attic; 2. Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. Apron: A large primate moving very fast on his feet. Arab: A man who will pull down a whole temple to have a stone to sit on. The science of digging around to find another civilization to blame ours on; 3. Archaeology: A science that proves you can’t keep a good man down. Ardelve: To make a big display of searching all your pockets when approached by a charity collector. A man who has taken many a girl out but has never been taken in; 38. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit; 40. Bachelor Girl: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor. Badaptation: A bad movie version of a good book Badify: To make something worse.
Usage: “Ah think Ah’ve got somethin’ in mah ah.” Ahead: The thing on top of your neck. Air: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. Alfred Nobel: A man who endowed the world with dynamite and prizes to discourage its use. Giving comfort to the enemy; 7 man’s best proof that you have to pay for your mistakes; 8. The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof; 18. American History: The replacement of the red Indian by red tape. Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough. Annualism: Books written by authors who show off their powers of endurance by doing something odd for a year. Something no one would be seen with if there were more of them; 3. Appendicitis: A modern pain, costing about ,000 more than the old-fashioned stomach ache. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work for Mc Donald’s. Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. Are: (Southern) Possessive case of “we” used as a predicate adjective (? A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first; 2. Arrested Development: Prerequisite for success as a radio DJ or a social satirist. Like morality, art consists in drawing the line somewhere. Art School: A place for young girls to pass the time between high school and marriage. The only man who has never told his wife a lie; 41. Bachelor’s Life: Just one un-darned thing after another.
Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use. Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.
Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding. Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again. Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does; 15. Cousin: The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.
Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot.
Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can’t do this. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more; 8. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent. Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.
A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops when he has said them; 4. The highest possible longitude and the lowest possible platitude. Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning. Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9,876 times a day. Associate Producer: About the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. Athlete: A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift ashes. Old auctioneers never die - they just look forbidding.. An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people; 6. Man’s effort to make work so easy that women can do it all. Average Joe: Guys who have nothing better in their lives than to read joe-ks @ … A man who’d rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck; 15. A man who plays the field without ever fielding the play; 19. A man who, when he accomplishes something, gets all the credit himself; 21. A man who would rather wash a pair of socks than a sink full of dishes; 25. Bamboozle: To convince an angler to purchase a bamboo fishing rod. Bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement. Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist; 4. A game many enjoy more than football because they don’t need a college education to get tickets; 4. Beach Erosion: A case of bad tidings Beans: Actor’s caviar. Beaulieu Hill: The optimum vantage point from which to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street. Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. Beppu: The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page. Big Bang: The primordial slap on the backside of the newborn universe. Big Gun: Frequently an individual of small calibre and immense bore.
Emergency teeth to temporarily replace those knocked out by mistake. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle. One who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study. Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive. Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain. A fellow who rises to the occasion - and then stands too long; 2. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.” Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli. Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse). Avenge Yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it. Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender. Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market.” Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line. Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin. Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books” Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.