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The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights. Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets. Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan’s ’trickle down’ theory of economics was based. Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn’t. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge). The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder. Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows. Back Four Seconds: What a clock does when it’s hungry.

Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use. Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course.

Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. The age when children try to bring up their parents. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children. Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. : A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life - himself; 6. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it; 2. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 3. Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog. Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you. “Broken, but let’s hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release. Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks.

Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record. Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month. Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold. Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books. Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures). Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it. Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin. Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office. Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it. Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2.

Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding. Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the TV series. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife; 7. Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted. Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship. Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.” Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly. Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company. Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee. Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made.

A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem. Achievement: The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. The period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents; 14. The time when a boy stops collecting stamps and starts playing post office; 18. The state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free from admirers then. Any counsel or suggestion made by one golfer to another about the choice of club, method of play or making of a shot, which contains no more than five errors of fact, contradictory statements or harmful recommendations. Awl: (Southern) An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. A.: A degree which indicates that the holder has mastered the first two letters of the alphabet… Babble: A feminine noise, somewhat resembling the sound of a brook, but with less meaning. Angels whose wings grow shorter as their legs grow longer; 2. The worst feature of any new baby is its mother’s singing. Baby Boomer: A kid who just polished off six jars of raspberry jam. What too many women in slacks definitely don’t have; 3, A teenager you hire to watch your TV; 4. A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer to charge twenty dollars for it; 2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you’re taking a hit off a water pipe. Bath: A process by which Mom and Dad drench the floor, walls and themselves. Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields (from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile). Biography: A region bounded on the north by history, on the south by fiction, on the east by obituary, and on the west by tedium. A fellow who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it; 3. One who has the power of speech but not the capacity for conversation; 15. A guy, who, if you ask him what time it is, will start to tell you how to make a watch; 17. One who need not repeat himself because he gets it trite the first time; 19. A person who talks when you wish him to listen; 21. Contented Husband: One who is on listening terms with his wife. Contralto: A low sort of music that only ladies sing. Controversy: A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Conventional: Not necessarily the way a man acts at a convention. A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages. A man who brings organized chaos out of regimented confusion; 2. Corset: Like love, something which binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature. Couch Potato: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

Abstract Artist: A person who draws his or her own confusions. Accelerando: Hurry up, the conductor skipped a page. A period of rapid changes: between the ages of 12 ands 17, a parent ages 20 years; 15. The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone; 19. Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. Six or more such pieces of misinformation or misinstruction constitute a formal golf lesson’ 9. Usage: “Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.” Axiom: 1. Babworth: Something which justifies having a really good cry. Alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other; 2. Babylon: What the Preacher does during some sermons. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers; 5. A legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors; 2. An affair where you ear a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you; 3. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner.” Barber: 1. As in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”. A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Someone who goes on talking while you’re interrupting. Conversation Piece: A girl who likes to talk in bed. Converts: Gullible folk who have agreed to let an outside contractor renovate their souls. Cookie: The standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat. Coolant: An insect that’s, like, you know, got it all together, dude.

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Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country. Alcoholic: A person you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. A shouted request for assistance by an out-of-bounds European skier on a U. However, you can have endless hours of fun loading it into the computer of the guy who sits next to you. Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks; 4. Appetite: The one thing bigger than an overweight person's stomach. Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Artistic Temperament: Seldom recognized until it’s too old to spank. Australian Kiss: Same as French Kiss, only down under. A fool who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on boring future generations; 2. A writer with connections in the publishing industry; 4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony; 35. Bad Luck: To have thirteen people seated at the table when you’re paying for the drinks. Baggage Claim: The most difficult area of the airport to find. Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you! Bald-headed Man: One who, when expecting callers, has only to straighten his necktie. Baritone: Note emanating from Senator Goldwater, or from singer Manilow. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money. A supposed ripening into wisdom that most Westerners attempt to delay as long as possible; 2. Agitato: A state of mind when ones finger slips in the middle of playing a piece. Agent: Someone who believs an actor takes 85 percent of his money. Alcazar: What the Spaniards took for an upset stomach. A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets; 2. A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is. Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world. August: The month you can’t open the bus window which you couldn’t close in December. Auto Driver: A person who speeds up to get in front of you so he can slow down. An unmarried man who has been singularly lucky in his love affairs; 28. Balanced Meal: One from which the diner has a fifty-fifty change of recovery. Ballet: Dance performed to classical music in an elegant theater before tearful, enraptured wives accompanied by bored, distracted husbands. When the local tavern keeper bets his tavern and loses. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband; 4. A quality much admired in women, landscapes and tropical fish, but curiously out of favour in art throughout the modern era; 6. Bed & Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at AM. Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison.

Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry. Something which often puts the wreck in recreation; 3. In ancient Greece, Alpha was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications (i.e. The first ’test version’ of computer software is referred to as an Alpha release. Altar Ego: Obnoxious, conceited personality that is revealed by the seemingly modest groom when taking his wedding vows. An itching sensation caused by inflammation of the wishbone; 3. What it takes to get where you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered. Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election; 2. Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. A selfish, callous, undeserving man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce; 29. One who knows when he receives a Christmas present he won’t have to pay for it later; 31. The only species of big game for which the license is taken out after the safari; 33. Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash. Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits. Barnstorming: Brainstorm for pullet-zer prize winners. Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Barracks: Where cabarets and fine restaurants keep their bottles of wine. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. A place where women can let their hair down while it’s being put up; 2. Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. A striking example of how important it is to know the language you are speaking.

Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor. Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt. Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents. Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer’s current salary in estimating his own worth. Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula. Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one. Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before. Because: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3.

The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe. Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. It makes me mad.” Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat. Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out. Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists. Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing. Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt.

Ad Libber: A man who stays up all night to memorize spontaneous joe-ks. Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. Breast Implants: A close chemical relative of Silly Putty. Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold; 2. A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation. A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal; 2. The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it; 9. Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the cleaners. When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is; 5. Coward: One, who in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.

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